The Power of Ritual
As a person who writes and performs wedding ceremonies, I understand the power of ritual. And if I performed YOUR ceremony, you should remember it, too.
"Rituals, anthropologists will tell us, are about transformation. The rituals we use for marriage, baptism or inaugurating a president are as elaborate as they are because we associate the ritual with a major life passage, the crossing of a critical threshold, or in other words, with transformation."
— Abraham Verghese, physician, professor & author
With my wedding couples, I talk about the rights of passage either leading up to or on the day of the wedding. Rites of passage have three clear phases: separation, transition, and incorporation. The first 2 may be a little ambiguous in modern times, but I like to think of Incorporation as the ritual when the newly married couple enters cocktail hour or when they are introduced by their band or DJ at the top of the reception. Of course, my Zen Bride Workshop is all about ritual and discussion, and I even end my Wedding Yoga sessions with ritual.
However, I have been talking rituals more and more with my counseling couples. Small gestures incorporated into our daily lives. Why? Because rituals turn the ordinary into something meaningful.
In his book ‘The Four Agreements,’ Don Miguel Ruiz writes in his chapter on the Fourth Agreement (“Always Do Your Best”):
“I make everything a ritual, and I always do my best. Taking a shower is a ritual for me, and with that action I tell my body how much I love it. I feel and enjoy the water on my body. I do my best to fulfill the needs of my body. I do my best to give to my body and to receive what my body gives to me.”
What are Rituals?
Often the terms habit, routine and ritual are used interchangeably. However there is a little hierarchy with each of them. Habits are something that we do without thinking. When we continue to do them, they become routine. When they are imbued with meaning, they become ritual.
Habits develop without us knowing it — after various repetitions, our brain switches to automatic mode. Rituals, on the other hand, are done with deliberate intention and focus.
Rituals require three things: intention, attention, and repetition. By applying an intention to our habits, we force ourselves to pay attention to our bodies, thoughts, actions, and surroundings. It may help to break things down a little.
What do you need to consider when creating a Ritual?
Create your environment: A ritual might have an altar, candles, or incense, but your ritual doesn’t have to have these particular elements. The important thing is to consider what environment you’d like for you ritual. By taking care of the sights, smells and sounds, there’s an element of mindfulness and intention that is usually not included in our daily activities.
Be Intentional: The ritual you create may be mundane, but what brings it to a sacred space is giving it the attention it deserves. It means you have a clear purpose and there’s care in taking action on the thoughts and feelings that are most important to you.
Find Meaning: Ritual is about bringing full appreciation to the act. A daily shower ritual is appreciating your body for the miracle it is. Daily eating rituals is appreciating not only the nourishing food, but the people who put their life energy into growing, transporting and preparing the food. A daily writing ritual might be an appreciation of your connection to your reader. We often take things for granted — ritual brings the appreciation for life, the world, others and ourselves back into our lives.
Ritual Suggestions:
(couples)
I started talking more about rituals in premarital counseling couples regarding out of town travel for work. In particular, one of my couples had a hard time navigating coming back together after a week apart. They found their own groove on their own, but it took them a few days to find their rhythm as a couple. So I suggested that they create some type of ritual for the farewell (when one was preparing to leave the other) and/or the return (when one came back home). In fact, it’s come up a number of times over the last few years. Here are some of the rituals created:
Having dinner at our favorite place before he leaves town
Buying him a hat from the city that I’m visiting
Having an ice cream date when she returns home
Serving a new beer or wine (from the city they visited) when they come home
(individuals)
Any act that you do each day, that’s important to you, can be considered for something to turn into a ritual. Thinking about ways to incorporate ritual into your life?
Start of your day: How would you like to start your day? Can it be with intention, gratitude, reflection? With aspiration and appreciation? With meditation and quiet?
Writing or other work: Whether your work be writing or phone calls or building a house … you can elevate that to ritual by creating intention around it, appreciating what you’re creating, pouring yourself into the act, bringing mindfulness to it. How can you elevate it to ritual? Design a ritual that will help you protect the space, time, and energy to take care of yourself.
Sleep: Is sleep a matter of being on devices until we’re so tired we can’t check another thing on social media? Or a time when we reflect on our day, prepare for our time of rest, slow down and appreciate our lives?
Do any of these rituals resonate with you? Do you have rituals that you practice now? Are there any that you’re hoping to create? If I can assist you create some power rituals for you and/or you and your partner, please let me know. The comment section is always open to ask and share.